150 Things No Longer Allowed in the Military
by Not Short. Just Fun Sized
Summary: Extended Version   This includes the orignal list by DN-Lover, along with why each rule was made. Wondering why you can't burst into song or why hiding Roy's gloves is a bad idea? READ THIS TO FIND OUT!
1. Rules 1 Through 5

**Original List by DN-Lover.**

**After weeks of idiocy, confusion, and plain randomness, the Fuhrer King Bradley has issued these 150 rules for all commanding officers and soldiers to follow. Failure to will result in serious injury, and/or something WAY worse (24 hours in the solidation hole, anyone? The DirectTV Start Up Channel is the only fun thing down there!). Now, some may ask, WHY were these rules made up anyways? Well, these are the stories of how 150 random events caused this list to be made.**

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><p><strong>Rule 1: I am not allowed to alchemically change physical form to impersonate an officer.<strong>

It was a typical training day at Central Military Headquarters. All of the Majors were in and accounted for, and doing the paperwork they longed to get rid of.

Well, except for one.

"Where is she?" Ed burst into the office, his face red and his eyes dark. "Where is Audrina Carter [1]?"

The green eyed, dark brown wavy haired officer shot up from her desk innocently. "What is it, Edward?"

"Don't be all innocent now! You know what you-"

Just then, Colonel Roy Mustang burst out his office. "Both of you, in my office, NOW."

They both sulked along, Alphonse shaking his metal head in shame as he waited outside the office.

"Now, what is the problem?" Roy asked calmly.

"She-" Ed paused to point and glare at his fellow Major. "-changed into me and went shopping for clothing like dresses and shit, and THEN went into a strip club. For GAYS!"

Roy stiffled a laugh, "Is that true?"

"No," Audrina said innocently.

"She says she didn't do it." Roy shrugged.

"I have proof!" Ed pulled out pictures, "Some tourist guy gave me these this morning!"

There were 3 pictures: One of Audrina mid-transmutation, one of "ED" shopping, and one of him at the gay bar, enjoying himself.

Audrina laughed, "So. Funny."

"NOT FUNNY!" Ed yelled.

"It was!" Audrina kept laughing, "Man, those guys are weirdos, but they sure know how to party."

"SHE JUST ADMITTED IT!" Ed jumped up from his seat.

Audrina's eyes widened. "Whoops."

"Why did you do that, Major Carter?"

She sighed, "See, it was kinda a bet with my friend, who kinda sorted said I had to be Ed for a day, but I was really bored so I just wanted to have a little fun! It's not my fault at all! Blame my friend!"

"Who is..." Roy asked.

"I kinda can't say." She shrugged, getting up. "But nice chatting with you guys. Oh, and Ed, you've got a date with some guy named Peter later."

"WHAT? GET BACK HERE!"

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><p><strong>Rule 2: I cannot use the bathrooms as a place to meet 'playmates'<strong>

**Rule 3: I may not do the same for office closets**

"He's been in there an awfully long time."

Hawkeye, Edward, Audrina, Ruby [2], and Alphonse all waited impatiently for Roy to come out of the bathroom [3]. For some reason, it was locked, and it was the only one on that floor.

"I _really _gotta go!" The bright red haired Ruby crossed her legs and slid to the wall.

"We all do, Ruby." Hawkeye looked serious but in slight pain.

"Not me!" Alphonse chirped.

"Can it, Al!" The teen blonde was bouncing up and down. "No one asked you!"

"_Oh, yes."_

The sensual sound made all 5 people jump in surprise.

"Was that..._Roy_?" Audrina was shocked.

"I hope not." Hawkeye's eyes narrowed evily.

Ed had enough. "MUSTANG, GET OUT HERE!"

There were some shuffling noises before the door clicked open. A petite woman with long blonde hair wearing a bunny suit gave a nervous smle to each of them before running off, followed by a blushing Mustang. Edward, Audrina, and Ruby gave him a look of disgust before going in the bathroom, while Hawkeye gave Mustang a look of pure, unadult-rated hate.

"A playmate, huh?" She questioned.

"Well, um, you know..." He took of in a sprint, "BYE!"

She ran after him, gun in her hand and firing away, "I'll kill you, Mustang!

"I'M TOO SEXY TO DIE!"

Meanwhile, at a closet, several officers banged on the door, waiting for Havoc to come out so they cause get paper.

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><p><strong>Rule 4: I may not call the fuhror "patchy"<strong>

Ruby walked by the Fuhror. "Hi, Patchy."

"WHA?" He sweatdropped.

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><p><strong>Rule 5: I may not start food fights in the mess hall<strong>

"Ugh, lunch is so crappy." Edward sulked, sitting at his usual table with Ruby Brown, Audrina Carter, Alphonse Elric, and Nolan Waters [4]. "I hate it."

"You know, they had shrimps over there." Nolan pointed to the other line of people, "Or maybe you didn't want to eat your friends..."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE SWIMS WITH THE SHRIMP?"

"Uh, you." Nolan laughed.

Ed glared, raising his tray. "THIS IS WAR: FOOD FIGHT!"

Ed threw his entire tray at Nolan, who narrowly dodged it, making it spatter on Ruby and Audrina. The two girls glared, throwing food at anyone around, which happened to be Riza Hawkeye, who then through her gun at them but it hit Havoc in the head, who get mad and through his food at Roy, who decided to throw a tray at Ed.

Thus began World War III: The Food Fight of the Century.

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><p><strong>That's it for today, folks.<strong>

**[1] **Audrina Carter, Ed's age and about 2 inches taller than him. Has waist length wavy brown hair which is sometimes dyed a random color on the ends. Best friends with Ruby and likes messing with Ed and Roy. Hangs out with Envy and Wrath when not at work. My O/C for this story.

**[2] **Ruby Brown, Al's age, and about 2 inches shorter than Ed. Has shoulder length straight bright red (like almost pink) hair. Best friends with Audrina and likes hanging with Ed and Al; usually can turn a problem into a bigger one. My friend's O/C for this story.

**[3]** For some reason, I decided this bathroom is a unisex bathroom that holds up to 6 people.

**[4] **Nolan Waters. IDK why he's in here, but I guess Ed needed a guy friend. He hangs around the girls WAY too often. Um, so he's a brunette. Has blue eyes. Likes chicken and messing with Ed. Yeah, that'll work.

**Okay, enough footnotes. I hope everyone liked this! The list was made by DN-Lover who gave me permission to write why each rule is a rule. I know these are short, and they're supposed to be, but not this short. I'll try and make them longer and funnier next time. Each one will have 5 RULES. So yup, I bet you can't wait for the next one! Tell me what you think in a review, if you'd like! Thanks!**


	2. Rules 6 Through 10

**Since I got some reviews/favorites/alerts today, I'm updating again. Cookies for all of you *throws up cookies for all to catch*! I can't give milk cause Edo-chan would kill me! Oh, and Omega-san, sorry about the O/Cs at the bottom; I just thought some people might get confused, that's all.**

**ON TO THE STORY!**

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><p><strong>Rule 6: A cigarette break does not last 2 hours.<strong>

"Where is Jean Havoc?" Mustang questioned.

Edward shrugged his shoulders. "Dunno."

"You seen Havoc?"

Ruby yawned, "No, and I don't give a damn either."

"You seen Havoc?"

Alphonse shook his head, "Last I saw him was in the cafeteria, sir, but that was hours ago."

"I _know_ you know where Havoc is."

Nolan smirked, "Nope. I don't keep tabs on him.

"C'mon, I _kno_w that you know."

Audrina looked puzzled, "He's the one who smokes all the time, right?"

Roy sighed, truding back to his office to pick up the phone from hold. "I'm sorry, Miss, but I can't seem to find-"

"I'M RIGHT HERE!" Havoc burst through the door. "Is it Sheila from last night?"

"No," Roy smirked, "It's your mother. Where the hell have you been?"

Havoc sweatdropped, "I took my smoking break."

"A CIGERETTE BREAK DOESN'T LAST 2 HOURS, HAVOC!"

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><p><strong>Rule 7: I may not alchemically change a superior officer's cigarettes, no matter how helpful I think I may be.<strong>

"WHAT THE _HELL!_"

"What's the problem now, Havoc?" Riza didn't bother to look up from her papers.

Havoc pushed the thing in her face, "LOOK WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO MY CIGERETTES!"

In his hands lay a pile of candy. "Well, that's somewhat better."

"BUT IT TASTES HORRIBLE!" He whined.

"Who did this again?" Riza sighed.

"One of those little pipsqueaks in training. Foster, I think."

-Several Minutes later-

"Foster, why did you change Havoc's cigerettes into candy?" Riza questioned the young trainee.

The boy sighed, "I thought it would help; my dad died from cancer and he smoked all the time."

Havoc sighed, "IT'S NOT GOOD CANDY!"

Riza whipped out her gun, aiming at him, "SHUT UP WILL YOU!" She then turned back to the boy. "I know you're upset, but don't do it again. I'm stuck with this idiot all day and he's better with them than without them. He usually doesn't even light them."

"Okay, Miss Hawkeye, I will."

"BUT WHY MY CIGERETTES! WHY!"

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><p><strong>Rule 8: I cannot sick my dog on Breda, just to see his reactions.<strong>

"DOG!"

A nervous Breda stood on his desk as Black Hayate barked happily at his feet. "Shoo, shoo! Go away!"

Ed looked over to him, "Breda? It's just Black Hayate."

"I HATE dogs, though!" He screamed, "Terrified, really!"

"BLACK HAYATE!"

The dog froze mid-bark, as if he'd been shot as Riza came into the picture.

"Good boy."

She handed him a treat as they walked off.

"Weird..." The two males said.

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><p><strong>Rule 9: I may not change Roy Mustang's pants into a miniskirt.<strong>

"I AM NOT SMALLER THAN A PINT, YOU BASTARD!"

It was the usual argument with Ed and Roy.

"But, you are, chibi-san-er, Fullmetal."

But something was different.

"WAIT A MINUTE! ONLY ONE PERSON CALLS ME THAT, AND THAT'S-"

"ENVY!" The homuculus finished, shifting to his form.

Well, he thought he did.

"MY EYES!" Ed screamed.

Riza burst in the door, "What's the-OH MY GOD!"

Nolan crept in behind her, "Nice legs, Mustang."

Envy/Roy blushed furiously, in his miltary uniform and...a miniskirt. "Shut up, all of you!"

"Hey, asshole, I got your-WHAT THE HELL!" Audrina dropped the tray of food she'd brought, "I KNEW YOU WERE GAY FOR ED!"

"WHAT!" Envy/Roy and Ed snapped up. "NO I'M NOT!"

"Then why are you in a mini-skirt, sir?" Hawkeye asked.

Envy/Roy blushed. "There is a reason...that um..."

Just then the REAL Roy Mustang burst in. He saw the predicament, and only had one thing to say:

"Damn, I look HOT in a mini-skirt."

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><p><strong>Rule 10: I may not punch an officer in the face, especially a superior.<strong>

"FullMetal, in my office."

Ed sulked into Roy's office, as if his day could get any worse.

"Now, you owe me that re-What's wrong with your face?"

A big red bruise covered the right half of Ed's face. He mumbled a reply.

"Speak up."

"I _said,_ Nolan punched me in the face."

"Why?"

"Because I said he was an asshole-dickwad-jerkface-mcspazz-a-tron."

"_Why_?"

"Because he called me short."

"Is everything you do done on impulse of someone calling you S-H-O-R-T?"

"**I'm not 5 years old, damnit! I CAN spell! AND I AM NOT SHORT!"**

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><p><strong>Still not my best :( But today was a pretty bad day because right after I posted the first chapter my mom called and told me my friend's mom died. She was a really cool person and I hate that she had to leave us but she was sick and now she's not in pain. Plus I've been really sick all day; my roomthe office is covered in tissue paper. Anyone know how to get rid of stuffy noses? But yeah, that's about it. I'll try and update soon!**


	3. Rules 11 Through 15

**Rule 11: Alphonse is not a good costume for the Halloween party.**

"Al! C'mere real quick!" Ruby waved him over as the rest of the military were lining up to come into headquarter, now reverted to a haunted "office".

"What is it, Ruby? Where's you costume?" He asked.

She sighed, "Yeah, see, I forgot, and Nolan called me and told me TODAY and the costume store was all out of reasonable costumes. So, I need to you let me get in your armor."

"But-But that's kinda uncomfortable!" Al lied.

"Oh please, I know you hid May in there. C'mon, it's only for a few hours!" She did her famous puppy dog eyes on him. "Please?"

Al sighed, defeated. "Fine..."

"Oh, thanks Al!" She kissed his metal helmet and jumped in. If he were human, he would've blushed.

Soon the party started, and everyone was allowed to come in. Roy was a pirate, dressed in the usual costume with a sword and eye patch, Riza was a ninja, in all black also equipped with several small knives and her trademark gun, Edward was a vampire, with the plastic fangs you get out of the gumball machine along with a cape, Nolan was Frankenstein, with green body paint and glued on nails to his neck, Audrina was a cat, with little kitty ears and a bell collar around her neck and tail dragging on the floor, and Envy, who wasn't really invited or welcomed by anyone but Audrina, had come as himself, but no one needed to know who he was.

"Anyone seen Ruby yet? I can't wait to see her costume!" Audrina smiled.

"Nope, can I go now?" Envy asked, scratching his leg uncomfortably.

"Please do, palmtree!" Edward laughed, "The party would be better without you!"

"NO!" She hissed. "Not until Ruby comes!"

"RAWR!" They all jumped as Alphonse appeared behind them, looking vicious and mean. "I AM...THE TIN CAN MONSTER!"

"Hey, that wasn't part of the deal!" Al whined.

Nolan went up to him and knocked on the suit of armor, to which someone said, 'Ouch.' "Ruby, why are you a Tin Can Monster?"

"Because SOMEONE reminded me THE DAY OF THE PARTY that I need a costume." She said from inside the suit of armor. "Is it hot or is it just me?"

"It's the metal, Major Brown. You might not want to be in there the whole party." Riza warned.

"Aw, I can handle it." She said. "So what if it's a little stuffy and dark and kinda heavy to walk and move in? I don't mind."

"No, Ruby, really." Mustang butted in, "Havoc and everyone else aren't even in costume."

"WHAT!" She lifted Al's head to look for herself. "This is a crappy Halloween party, and Al, you're a terrible costume. If I talk, you can't!"

"You're so mean," He whined, "I should've never even let you get inside me!"

"Well, too bad! You did!"

"Well get out now!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!

"Yes!"

"How long is this going to be, and do I have to sit through it?" Envy asked.

"Just go, you're boring anyways." Spongebob [1] said.

"SPONGEBOB!" They all glomped the beloved cartoon character, except Riza, who kept her distance, and Envy, who was insulted. How could he be called boring by a SPONGE!

* * *

><p><strong>Rule 12: Telling trainees that Armstrong's sparkles are edible is not a good idea.<strong>

For some odd reason, Major Alex Louis Armstrong felt a little paranoid today. He kept looking over his shoulder, because it felt like someone was watching him.

"Hmm..." He ripped off his shirt, "Maybe it's nothing."

"SPARKLES!" A herd of trainees attacked Armstrong, trying to grab the sparkles around him.

"WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?" Riza burst in with Audrina by her side (she was 'interning'), both with guns out.

"Um..." One trainee sweat-dropped. "Some weird kid green hair said we could eat Armstrong's sparkles. So we've been following him all day."

Riza and Audrina sweat-dropped. "Envy..."

**Rule 13: I am no longer aloud to dress in drag and do the hula.**

"No! I'm not going out there!"

"You lost the bet, so you have to do it!"

"But this wasn't what I was supposed to do!"

"It's open dare for a reason, NOW GET OUT THERE!"

The quiet office was filled with music from the Lilo and Stitch movie as Edward Elric was rudely shoved out of the closet, snickering coming from the inside. You wouldn't recognize him as a guy on the streets, since his hair was down and he had on light make-up, while he was wearing a grass skirt and coconut bra, blushing madly.

"Aloha-o, Aloha-o, Alo—You know what? Fuck this." Ed turned to leave from his spot, just as Audrina and Ruby walked by, pausing mid-conversation.

Audrina squinted at him, "Is that my lipstick?"

"Why are you dressed like a girl?" Ruby questioned.

"HEY ROY, YOUR SWEETEST DREAM HAS COME TRUE!" Audrina yelled, and Roy came out of his office quickly, sweat-dropping once he saw Ed.

"Edward..."

"It was a dare, alright?" He yelled angrily, blushing even more. "This is never happening again!"

"Got that right." They all turned as the Fuhrer walked by, "Nice legs, Elric. Have a melon."

Edward blushed harder than ever, taking the gift as the Fuhrer walked on. This had to be the worse day ever. How could it get any worse?

Envy barged in the office, carrying a package for Audrina but dropping it when he saw Ed. "You know, Chibi-san, I always knew you were some gay guy's dream."

"SHUT UP, PALMTREE! I'M NOT GAY OR SHORT!"

**Rule 14: I may not set Roy Mustang and Havoc up on a blind date together.**

"Looking good Mustang." He sad to himself later that night, fixing his clothing. "You're going to rock that date tonight. I'm sure Ruby has some hot friends."

Just then the doorbell rang, "Shit, that must be them!"

He ran calmly to the door, opening it with a sultry greeting, "Hello, ladies..."

"MUSTANG?"

"HAVOC?"

"RUBY!" The red head laughed, "April Fool's!"

"Wha-You said this was a hot girl, not HAVOC! And for God's Sakes, it's not even April! It's the middle of November!"

"Oh." She dropped her smile. "NOVEMBER FOOL'S!"

The males both sweat-dropped as the oven dinged inside the house. "You still want dinner? I made this great pot roast Hawkeye taught me how to do."

"Sure, why not? I'm starving." Havoc shrugged.

"Hey, I want some too!" Ruby followed them, shutting the door.

**Rule 15: Roy Mustang is not a Flamer, nor am I allowed to call him that.**

"On this side, coming in at 5 feet and 4 inches including his boots and antenna, we have EDWARD ELRIC!" Nolan introduced the next match of the alchemy battle.

"SHUT UP, NOLAN!" A transmuted rock came flying by him as he ducked.

"Thanks, shorty. And on this side, coming in a 5 feet and 9 inches (A/N I dunno, just putting a random height.) we have, THE FLAMER!"

"Who?" The crowd questioned.

"Ya know, Mustang? Flames? THE FLAMER, everybody!" Nolan ran off before Mustang could get to him.

**Sorry if these were bad/ short. My tummy aches really badly and I wanted to update all of my stories before I did actual work. Check out my newest story, The Puppeteer! I hope you guys like it! **


	4. Rules 16 Through 20

Anddd this is where I freestyle a bit. Some of the things on the list killed my plot bunnies and that (plus testing, a tornado [Yes, I live in the South, ya hear? So please help out and donate to the Red Cross; a few of my friends and relatives have been affected], no internet/computer, crazy parties, and the occasional nap) is why this and all my other stories haven't been updated for awhile. I hope to fix that, though, because I have 7 REAL DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT!

THESE ARE MOSTLY ED CENTRIC; I feel like messin' with the shorty today…

Edo-kun: WHO ARE YOU CALLIN…

Me: Ah, Edo, that's why we love you….

**Rule 16: I will not mentally scar Alphonse Elric.**

"Oi, Fullmetal, you really live up to your name!"

Alphonse paused mid-step as he saw his brother and friend talking by the water cooler (I always imagined a water cooler there…).

"Audrey, what in the hell are you talking about?"

She smiled nonchalantly, seeing the younger Elric trying to hide. "Oh, you remember last night don't you?"

Ed spit out his water, blushed furiously, "Audrey!"

"Seriously, Ed! That was _really _something!"

If Al could blush, he would. He was hoping she wasn't talking about what he thought she was talking about. I mean, he didn't want or _need_ to know about his brother's sex life!

"Audrey! Shut up!"

"But it was so _nice_ and _fast_ and-God, Ed, it was so _big_! I mean, on a shrimp like you, I didn't really expect-"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHRIMP SO SMALL HIS DICK IS BIGGER THAN HIM!"

Audrey blushed and laughed, "God, you're such an idiot…"

Meanwhile, Al was shaking rather loudly in his spot, the mantra _OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod _in his head.

"I'm not an idiot! And stop talking about that kind of stuff, Al might hear you and actually believe it!" Ed said, finishing his water and heading back to his desk, only to spot his brother on the ground in the fetal position. "ALPHONSE!"

Audrina ran around the corner, "Oh my God, Al! I was just kidding, maybe!"

"AUDRINA! SHUT UP!"

**Rule 17: I will not use illogical logic on Edward.**

Roy was doing his usually check ups on everyone (Riza by his side as usual) when he came across a unusual sight.

"Edward!"

The blonde was curled in a ball in a corner, rocking back in forth. "She lies…"

"Edward, what happened?" Riza bent next to him.

"S-She…S-She…"

"Who, Fullmetal?"

He glanced up, "The red haired one…"

"Ruby…"

Speaking of her only brought her by, "You called?"

"What did you do to him?" Roy questioned.

She smiled slyly, "I only told him a highly logical thing: See, if Wrath thinks Sloth's his mom, who doesn't deny it, and Sloth's Ed's real mom, then that kinda makes him related to Wrath, who's a homunculus, and Izumi, who's techincally Wrath's mom."

Roy held his head in thought. "That…actually makes since…"

"I know!" Ruby smiled, "And you people say I'm dumb…"

The trio walked off, continuing the possibilities as Ed continued to cower in the corner.

**Rule 18: I will not give Ed children's toys on his 19****th**** birthday (or any birthday).**

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

Edward pouted in the lounge chair at his and Al's apartment. He did not want to celebrate his growing in age, nor did he want all these people there. But apparently, it was Al's idea, and he couldn't say no to his baby brother.

"Edo, I got you a present!" Audrey handed him a small box, and un willingly, he opened it.

"Wow," He sweatdropped, "My pocketwatch."

"Nope!" She smiled, "It's a _cleaned _pocketwatch! I did it myself!"

He gave her a look and was about to say rude words before Al handed him another box. "Al, you didn't have to-"

"Just open it!"

He sighed and did as told, his eyes holding back tears once he saw it. "Aw, Al…"

It was a picture of them when they were kids, with their mother laughing in the background. "I-I found it a while ago and wanted to give it to you…"

"My turn." Roy ended the sentimental moment and handed Ed a big box. "Happy birthday, Fullmetal."

He glared and opened the present, fuming rage following. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

It was one of those wooden rocking horse you get for a 3 three old, only a bit bigger.

"What? You're not turning 8?"

Cue blind fury of Edward.

**Rule 19: I may not dye my uniform pretty colors.**

"RUBY! FRONT AND CENTER!"

The red haired girl appeared in front of her superior, Riza Hawkeye, hands upon her hips and a smirk on her face. "What is it, Hawkeye?"

"Why is your uniform…"

"Rainbow colors?" She smiled proudly, "Why, these are only the prettiest colors! And that navy blue is so bad with my skin; I just needed to work in comfort."

There was a loud gunshot. "Comfort and work don't go together."

Sure enough, Ruby's outfit was normal the very next day.

**Rule 20: I will not call Kimblee 'Kimberly'.**

**Rule 21: No, it is not a challenge.**

Down at the miltary's jail, a dumb kid named Nolan had somehow snuck past security and made his way towards the notorious arsonist, Zolf J. Kimblee.

He had only one question.

"Why do the call you Kimblee? It's short for Kimberly, right?"

The man shot up from his seat, his eyes looking at the idiot boy through the small opening. "How's about when I get out of here, I show you exactly why I was put in here, kid?"

"You didn't answer my question." The boy was very persistant.

Kimblee (or Kimberly) sigh, "You're an idiot, aren't you? Got some kind of mental issues?"

Nolan shrugged, "You're not the first guy to ask that, Kimberly."

"My name is _Kimblee, _you buffoon, now why don't you—"

"No, it's Kimberly…"

What happened next contains tons of gruesomeness and idioticity, but let's just say the boy made it away with one arm still in good use and the rest of his body healed over the course of 2 years.

He still went back to mess with Kimberly, though.

I…I just have nothing else to say. I can't even explain how crappy I think this is for me. I could've done better.


End file.
